What I haven't wanted to admit for awhile.

The truth of my brain is that it is limitlessly creative both for better or worse. And I am indeed married to it, my blood, time and fate, so this is a beast I need to learn to live with. It would be easier, though, if it wasn't also a shapeshifter.

Of late, I've felt my mind shifting, through many small needle-point-moves towards a different kind of embodiment of anxiety and stress. The mistake I've been making was thinking that once I came into a copacetic dance with intrusive thoughts, I would be free of all the various affiliated other "symptoms" when the truth is much different. It's not a full Hydra, with three replacing one issue managed, but more like a bad friend that circles back round, thinking they mean well when they just don't get that you'd be better off sailing away into a blissful sunset for new experiences.

Alas. We don't pick our brains. And I wouldn't pick a different one. The reality I've discovered though is that my intrusive thoughts were the spikes on the cactus, and now that those are somewhat sanded down, I have to deal with the cactus. Which is the fact that I've had significant anxiety my entire life, and just got so used to it that it's normal.

I'm in something right now that I would call a "crunch". It's when my chest feels tight for days at a time for no specific reason, but it's like a half-panic attack that kind of lingers without fully dispelling.

I'm pulling all my tools out. Journaling, meditating, exercising, writing about it here, releasing my belly muscles when I notice they're tight. Later today I'm going to the park because the green is good for it. Or so I've been advised.

But this time, I need a deeper solution. I don't want to keep finding myself back here, in this cycle of periods of "okay" and periods of "shit".

The odd thing though, is that amidst the crunch, I feel an odd, sporadic peace. It's almost like I've arrived at the outer shell of what might be something that unlocks my anxiety habit in a substantive and life changing way. There's so much more work and self-reflection and professional help to seek, but I've levelled up, or rather, down, closer to the real nugget that led all those years ago to a full blown intrusive-thought meltdown.

I have no doubt this is going to suck. I've grown so comfortable in anxiety it's my safety blanket, and removing it, in any way, will shake up who I am and what I'm used to. I know though, that resistance is often a big, sparkling, painfully honest road sign saying "THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH BUTTERCUP, SO BUCKLE UP."

I would love the crunch to leave, but I have a feeling it's living in me right now for a reason. And that reason is that it's time to stop ignoring the head (and heart) work I've got to undertake to have the career and the relationships I dream about and deserve and would wish on all my other friends and family.

So I'm starting next week with a doctor's appointment, and I'm going to hold nothing back with my history, as I've done in the past, and start from a medical standpoint, something I haven't done since being diagnosed back in 2016.

I want to practice what I preach, and for my life, anxiety has been managing me.

I would like a turn at the wheel, thankyouverymuch. And I don't mind the discomfort of getting there.

I'm finally ready to face my deeper monster.

It's time.

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